During the first thirty years of my life, I grossly underestimated the importance of one’s mindset and emotional landscape. I felt that I needed to be in control of my emotions, rather than to be in touch with them. I was raised in a typical mid-90’s New England culture. Many people connect on points of complaint or mistreatment, and though it was not my nature, I was indoctrinated into this way of group-thinking. I was taught lessons like “it is better to be uncomfortable and fit in, than to be true to yourself and risk being outcast,” “bottle up your negative emotions,” “most people are dangerous,” “better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised.” As a result of these thought patterns and other life traumas, I began to fall inward and isolated myself. I spent most of my twenties feeling alone and hopeless. My actions were incongruent with my character, so my psyche parted myself out to survive. I felt lost, directionless, like I was drifting through life with no purpose.
In October of 2019, I decided that I did not want spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I decided that there had to be something else – that this cannot be the only option. I am so glad that I began to shift my attention to look for the possibilities instead of the limitations. Both are always there, but what you focus on tends to expand. My mindset shift started small. First, I had to grieve my losses, some of which I was not even prepared to admit to myself. Through this grief, I found my healthy anger which had been long suppressed. An emotion which is present to protect myself had been not allowed. Shut off. It was strongly tied to guilt and shame, so I grappled internally to separate the emotions. As I freed up the tangled mess of my emotional landscape, each emotion seemed to become brighter on its own. I began to appreciate the full spectrum of the emotions and their purposes. My emotional extremes smoothed out and I found balance and harmony within myself. I started to actively believe in my skills and capabilities again. Taking action became easier. Then I began to practice the art of gratitude. Finding gratitude when you’ve been programmed to focus on the negatives does not feel natural. Sometimes it felt like I was being overly optimistic. I spent many days battling both my inner and outer critics who take different angles at casting doubt upon gratitude. They still come up from time to time – the difference now, is that I know about them. I know their prerogative, and I know how to disengage with the negative and re-frame my thoughts to be toward what I want. I am slowly becoming the adult who I desperately needed in my childhood – the type of person who will not self-sacrifice, because I know in order to do my best for others, I need to feel my best, so I must take care of myself first.
Once I was able to create this change for myself, and truly see it for what it was, I began to contemplate how selfish it would be to keep this knowledge to myself. This internal power truly feels like a super power in contrast to how it felt to exist in my “old mindset.” I remember how trapped I felt – if my story can help one other person say “if she can do it, why not me” – then all the discomfort is worth it. If I can change, so can you. You can change your mind. You can change your thought patterns. Ask questions. Make no assumptions. Trust your judgement, be aware of your emotions, and how you choose to respond to them. Your power is in your choices, and there are more possibilities than you know. I believe in you. Keep doing your best, it is always enough.
Written By: AJ Butler 12/11/2020
#recovery #trauma #mindset #mentalhealth #cptsd #positivity #gratitude #health #infernohotpilates
AJ Butler Wellness 